Monday, January 24, 2011

From the Tube

For most of my life, I have been on some form of antihistamine and decongestant. My allergies are epic. Recently, however, I decided to stop taking the decongestant. The reasoning behind this maneuver is a bit muddled and long-winded. The important parts are that I stopped taking it and that I am now able to sleep for several hours a night/day (like I'm a person!) and I have had lots of sinus drainage that is filling my digestive tract. Yummy.

Because of the copious amount of snot, I don't feel hungry, ever. This has been a problem all of my life. Everytime someone says some variation of "I only eat when I'm hungry," with the requisite accompaniment of pretentious snobbery, I secretly hope they get to experience my lack of appetite some day. Several times a week, I become light headed and weak, because I haven't eaten enough. Not that I don't want to eat, but that I just don't feel like it. I often just  forget to eat. And, when I remember, it is hard to find something I can force down. My relationship with food is much like that of someone looking at a dessert menu at a restaurant with giant portions; I want to have something, but I'm just too full.

So, when I do feel like eating, I more than make up for the lean times. (My grandma would be sure to point out that I've never been lean, and that I should probably have used a different word. It's amazing I don't have more issues, really.) Tonight, for example, I had an incredibly strong craving for cookie dough.  A monstrous craving that would not be subsided with cookie dough ice cream or chocolate chips -not that I had either- it was of the specific and unyielding variety. Since I did not have the ingredients to make cookie dough, I decided that I must run to Wal-Mart to acquire them immediately. I had to go to Wal-Mart, because this particular craving hit me at about 2 AM. It is well below freezing, and a 20 minute drive one way, but, I reasoned, I also needed ink for the printer, and I was completely out of vinegar. Mika (see below) had just peed on the closet door, and I needed the vinegar to clean it up.

Mika "I would never pee inappropriately" Pinkerton

Since sound logic led me to the decision, I bundled up and headed for everyone's favorite shopping destination. On my way, I determined that it would be unreasonable to make cookie dough when I could just buy a tube of the premade, I loved that stuff when I was younger, I really should keep some on hand for these emergency situations. When it came time to make a decision about which tube to buy, I was feeling a bit rushed. I wasted valuable time debating how morally opposed I am to Justin Bieber, and how much I had to like a nail polish to overcome the his association with it, and the ugly bottle it's in. I decided I was morally flexible enough to buy one Bieber polish. Also, there were magazines that needed to be perused (Elton John has a baby, I'll have to tell mom about that... is that a new issue of All You...) but eventually I  made it to the highly processed cookie dough section.

I went for the Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Flavored Cookies, started to put them back because of concern over the small word, but decided to throw caution to the wind. Dough in a tube is not meant to be natural. Also, I was a bit ravenous at that point. There were visions of sitting in my car, ripping the tube open with my keys, and squeezing out the artificially flavored goodness, so it could be enjoyed immediately. In reality, I brought it home, washed the packaging with soap and water, dried it, placed it on a towel and cut off a slice with a knife.

I was so unbelievably disappointed. This was not what I wanted, it tasted nothing like I remembered. Then, I realized that the problem must not be with having a more sophisticated palate than I did the last time I tasted this stuff, but that I bought the wrong thing. I always liked Pillsbury Sugar Cookie Dough, but preferred Nestle's chocolate chip offering. In my hunger driven need for cookies, I didn't think it through. I guess this is why people say you shouldn't shop when you're hungry. I always ignored that advice, because I thought it was one of those things "helpful" thin people say to make fat people feel crappy and judged, like "I only eat when I'm hungry". Now, I know what they really meant.

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