Monday, January 17, 2011

Liza Did It Better

Is it normal to have a complete nervous breakdown every couple of years? I started these mid-life crisis style meltdowns when I was about fifteen. Generally, I start by questioning what I am doing with my life, where I'm going, how I'm making a difference. Then, I look at all of the people who are my age or younger, who are far more accomplished, so I can accurately gauge my level of utter failure.

The other day this manifested in my watching Cabaret and wondering how old Liza Minnelli was when she made the movie. An internationally known superstar, who also happens to be the offspring of one of the most well known actresses ever, it seemed to me, was an accurate measuring stick of where I should be in my life. I have since turned 25, and have a year to star in a film that will become absurdly popular and earn me an Academy Award. Even my delusionally optimistic self can't come up with a scenario that would make that a reality, so I am obviously not where I should be developmentally.

This stage is followed by self-loathing, and a complete inability to recognize any personal accomplishments. Also, ambition, what's that? I am such a failure because I have not reached the very simple goals that every other person (as portrayed by Liza) has reached, that I will never be able to accomplish anything, ever, and I should really just give up on my dreams already and how did I ever think I could be a normal, functioning human being, and... Yeah, it's incredibly rational.

Currently, I'm in my "I need a plan" phase. This is where I decide that I'm going to be responsible for my destiny and come up with a multi-pronged solution to cure me of my epic suck. Unfortunately, I can't decide what I want to do with my life, which is obviously step one, as it is a very easy question to answer. After copious time spent thinking and weeping, I will eventually lose interest and have to clean up cat puke or something. Then, I will dive back into my marathon viewing of The Muppet Show,  dream of how awesome it would be to be a puppeteer, and realize that I may have missed my calling, as I am obviously far to old to learn such a skill. The Liza Minnelli episode is coming up soon, maybe I'll have a complete breakdown and decide to actually do something with my life rather than just thinking about it. It's unlikely, but a girl can dream.

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